In my eyes, I have the best possible father and husband. I would not change them for anything. As previous mentioned, June is quite a busy month in the Hall household. Birthdays, 2 anniversaries and Fathers Day.
Mr. received 99% of his gift before FD. Mainly because the items he needed were a little pricy. Today we set out to veg, That was the plan for the day, stay around the house, maybe go swimming and our son wanted to take his Dad to the movies.
Having a houseful of teens(2) and tweens(2), makes for some interesting days, attitudes and basically, a bunch of crap! Surprisingly, I’m pretty big on people being respectful. The whole ” treat people the way you want to be treated” is HUGE in my books. But, at times, I forget that I am dealing with children. Children that are still being molded, children that can be painfully hurtful with their words.
Mr. received a text this morning from J. ,she’s been in Birmingham for the week at Girl Scout Camp, a simple text telling Mr. ” Happy Uncles Day”.
Our minions are biologically our niece and nephews. Their mother and my husband have the same father but different mothers. My husband barely knew that side of the family when we got the phone call from CPS. Their story isn’t one that CPS made a mistake and they weren’t supposed to be removed. And it wasn’t the first CPS case. CPS fully did their job and made the right decision. Not at any point, from the midnight drop off from their CPS worker, to the hoops you jump through making sure EVERYTHING is perfect for CPS, nor the Guardianship Day, are happy days. It is not a happy time. My minions were/are old enough to understand almost 99% of what was happening and what was coming. They understood and knew that during one time, their mother was lying to them. And while she came and visited more, they knew she was not being honest with them.
And then, life happens, and we told her she HAD to be honest with them. She was still with the man that CPS removed them from, the same man that refused to take any parenting courses, the same man that harmed them. Let’s throw some confetti in the air, because ……. taaaaadaaaa she’s pregnant. And the minions got the truth of all that in one evening. Months later, mom and boyfriend came down to visit… Dude seemed nice enough. BUT- we paid the repercussion of the visit. One minion had terrors and one went back to wetting the bed. Since that visit, mom has came once, alone. The visit was good, and about 2 weeks later, she delivered a healthy lil girl.
Fast forward 2 months later…. one of the minions received a message from a best friend back home, that his mother had married our minions dad. Talk about a slap in the face… And shortly after that, another message…… taaaaadaaaa! Dads new wife is pregnant. Dad has only talked on the phone once since the kids were removed by CPS. And they have to try to process all of this.
I know this is a long post. But, please… read it out…. whether you are a foster parent, have custody of family or if you are a parent that has had their kids taken away. I have a point, I promise.
We knew, taking in 3 kids was going to tough. We knew that no matter what, they love their parents fiercely. I don’t know if its just my minions or if all the older kids feel this way. It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around. To see them go to extreme measures to make sure they don’t upset their mother, constantly asking her ” how are YOU doing?” They are more concerned with her well-being than anything.
It is hard, people. It is hard to hear ” your not my mom/dad”…. to deal with the backlash after inconsistent phone calls. It’s hard to listen to the anguish of ” how can they have more kids but can’t take care of us” or ” how can they take care of someone else’s child, but not us”.
It’s hard when you are struggling to clothe and feed 4 teens, without help. It’s hard for my minions to see the parents post photos on Facebook of activities with their new “step-children”. OR asinine comments from one of them about money, child support, and the minions see that. And they want to know where the money is. Not here, darlin’ , maybe the other kids are getting it. And we get the questions of why can’t we do that. my dearest loves, I pray nightly that we can do those things, but with our large family, we have to plan and save.
It is hard to explain how the parents can move on with their lives, have more children, get married. We just keep reminding them to pray for their parents. What else do you say when you don’t have the answers and have asked the same questions yourself?
Holidays are rough. It’s the only consistent phone call made. It makes the day rough for the minions. They will be angry, sad and somewhere inside, happy because 1) they called, 2) it’s whatever & whoevers day.
But, do you know how hard it is? How hard it is for me & Mr. ? We are here 24/7. We are the ones busting our butts to clothe and feed the 4. To try to give them the best birthday/Christmas ever. To make sure they have everything they need and 90% of what they want. And we get ” you’re not my mom/dad”…. “why won’t you let them call me”…. And we still wipe away the tears, comfort after a night terror, change the sheets in the middle of the night… Because we ARE parents. We are HUMAN. We are the ones that haven’t turned our backs on you, the ones who haven’t had a date night in 3 years.
Trust me lil minions, if we could go back to when all this started, we’d guide your parents into the right path of life. You’d still be with them. Because kids need to be with their parents, IF they would live right. But, right now and for the next several years, you have us. Family. Not strangers, not a group home, not an old foster lady living off the check she gets.
For the extended family of the minions……. sporadic comments on FB is not helping matters. Most of the time, they ask us WHO YOU ARE. Your attempts to try to make whichever parent look good, isn’t working. The kids are not stupid. They are not babies.
Y’all, my minions need some prayer. They know everything is fine here, they need prayer to soothe their hearts, to keep praying for their parents and hopefully help them heal.
I’m so tired. My heart aches for them. I don’t always know the answers. which can be a good thing, but sometimes they need answers.
If you are a foster parent, legal guardian, kinship care provider or the parent who doesn’t have custody, each case is different, but with ours, we have to maintain contact and visits with their mother.
For the providers: Big hugs, it is not an easy road.
For the parents: your kids know more than what you think they do. Don’t pass blame, own up to your actions and apologize to your children. IF you have visitation rights( during or after rights have been terminated) be consistent. A phone call every 3-4 months doesn’t cut it. It brings up bad memories for the kids. Same with visits. Don’t lie to your kids AND to whom is caring for them. At this point, the least you can do is be honest… I know that’s a struggle.
For my parents: we couldn’t have survived this journey without you. Thank you for loving the minions as if they were your biological grands.
For Jessica & Shirley: Thank you for maintaining a role in their lives.
For Lauretta- Thank you for helping with the uniforms when the minions first came to us. You were a lifesaver
hallstheway 